A Gamer’s Guide To Real Life (Tips On How To Function Without A Controller In Hand)

Just because you’re a devoted gamer doesn’t mean that you can’t function in the real world. Although, it might be difficult. Here’s my guide to helping you get through real life.

On Dealing with Boring Everyday Tasks

Try to Turn Mundane Tasks into Games

Why do so many people play video games? Duh. Because they’re fun. Unfortunately, the same can’t always be said for real life. In fact, when we’re talking about growing up, I’d venture to say that fun is rarely in the discussion. Color me depressed.

Having said that, surely there are ways gamers can have fun in real life. Surely there is a way to cope at that boring 9 to 5 when a screen is nowhere in sight? The key is to approach life like a game. You can do this by:

• Making work tasks competitions. Most video games these days are about competition. You’re looking to be the victor. Well, why not take that competitive nature to work with you. Even things as small as getting to the elevator can become a competition. Just don’t shove people out of the way!
• Finding cheats, or ways to beat the system. I’m always looking for ways to do a good job while doing less work. In fact, some days I manage to get done in a few hours what it takes other workers all day to do. Why? I look for the cheats. For example, some teachers might spend hours a day grading papers. Cheat? Have students grade them as you go over them to review wrong answers. BOO YA!
• Looking for video game parallels. Things as simple as loading a dishwasher have parallels with games. Think Tetris.

On Time Management

Stick to Games that Don’t Require Countless Hours to “Get Into.”

Whether you finally have a real job, or you have a new baby that requires your attention, the days of playing games for hours on end have come to an end. Unfortunately, your new life style doesn’t exactly fit with games like World of Warcraft. So does that mean that your game playing days are over? Not necessarily. Maybe you just need to pick different games.

Opt for something that doesn’t force you to sit for hours. For example, a game like GTA, while capable of sucking the life out of you, can be played in shorter increments, mission by mission. It will still be there waiting for you when you return.

Of course, for the most serious gamers, saying goodbye to RPGs may simply not be an option. In that case, might I suggest you continue playing them, but not dillydally when playing. In other words, stick to your main missions and don’t get distracted by side stories and what not. For God’s sake, you don’t have to explore the entire map to beat the game. So don’t. That’s the type of behavior that will turn you obsessive and leave you locked in your room for days at a time while the world passes you by.

Still can’t break the addiction? Here’s a clever guide on how you might still be able to. 

 

On Getting a Girlfriend

Don’t Expect to Get a Girl That Looks Like the Ones in Your Games.

Look, there’s a reason Lara Croft was played by Angelina Jolie, formerly one of the hottest women on the planet. That’s because like in comic books, girls in video games are unrealistically attractive. Let’s be honest here: the average real life female doesn’t have the mix of T&A that someone like Lara Croft does. It’s just unrealistic.

And furthermore, the few that really are that gorgeous…well the odds of them looking your pasty-skinned, flabby pizza-shoveling way are pretty much non-existent.

So the key here to getting a girlfriend is to lower your expectations. I’m not saying you can’t land an attractive girl. But be realistic. Look for someone you click with, not the girl with the largest boobs. And while you’re at it, get cleaned up. Which leads me to the next section…

On Hygiene

Clean yourself up, neckbeard.

You know why neckbeard is such a derogatory term? Well, first of all, it’s because neckbeards literally are disgusting. No really. Real beards are sexy, just checkout the proof. But if you notice, nowhere in the article does it show someone with a neckbeard. Facial hair belongs on your face. Shave your neck or you look gross and unkempt.

Of course, I full realize that the term neckbeard implies more than the hair itself. It’s often used to make fun of someone who is not keeping up with themselves physically. In other words, not bathing, using deodorant, brushing teeth, etc. Know what all those things have in common, Gamer? They’re disgusting.

When you’re pounding buttons on your controller, and shouting on your headset, no one can see or smell you. But in real life, everyone can. Clean yourself, man! Take a shower. Use some deodorant. Brush your teeth. FLOSS.

Now I want to hear from you, gamers. How are you functioning in the real world?